I live in a condo association with my mom and sister. So I don’t have the backyard and deck that I used to have in our house. I don’t have a place to hangout outside while still being in quarantine. The closest we have is our sunroom, which just isn’t the same as a grassy backyard.
I like my alone time. I cherish it. It’s the moments where I can internalize and relax. There isn’t the buzz of the TV from somewhere else. There aren’t any conversations to over hear. It’s just quiet. And I get to decide what I want to do in the quiet space.
But right now, in the exact moment I am writing this, I am alone in isolation. And I feel amazing. The displaced anger that I’ve been feeling has melted away. There’s no one and nothing for me lash out at and project on to. And at the same time that I have this alone time, it’s a beautiful day. So I have the sunroom to myself with a breeze and the white noise of the woods.
I don’t have to worry about playing my music too loud, or feel self conscious over the fact at I listen to the same three Spotify playlists every single day. I have this moment to sit with myself and reflect on how I’ve been feeling with a clear head and an empty condo.
And I’ve been feeling angry. Angry over the dynamics in this living space. Angry over my lack of private space. Angry because even though I love the rain I’m sick of it. Angry over all the change.
I don’t want to be angry and I don’t want to make that list any longer. I am and I know that list will change and grow longer anyway. But I’m optimistic that at some point, that list will shrink to nearly nothing at all.
The issue is time. And that’s the issue with all of this: time. And sometimes we’re angry about time. How slow it moves, how progress seems so far away. It makes us scared and we get angry that we’re scared. There’s no timeline to follow. May 15th is a date that means maybe. Maybe some things will start to reopen on May 15th. Maybe they’ll push that date back.
The point is, there’s anger, and sometimes you need to be alone to get away from it. To clear your head. And maybe that’s only for ten minutes for you. Maybe it’s most of the day. Maybe it’s the late hours of the night when everyone else is asleep.
Let yourself be alone and simply exist. Without any pressure. In those moments school doesn’t exist, work doesn’t exist, all responsibilities have melted away for this moment. Take note of how you’ve been feeling and how you feel in that moment.
Validate your irrationality. It’s okay. It’s pretty normal if you think about it. Let yourself breathe and acknowledge the irrational parts of you. And then acknowledge the rational parts you. The parts that keep you level headed and calm and thank them for working so hard. Thank yourself for getting through all of this, no matter how cliche it sounds.
If you’re an introvert like me, savor the alone time. The moments where every one seems to have an agenda that leaves you with yourself to simply exist. Exist without consequences. It’s funny that in quarantine and isolation, there really isn’t much alone time.